Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Hear that sound? Thats my mind blowing.

The thing I find most difficult to believe about Jesus is not that he could walk on water. It's not that he could heal people, turn water to wine, command spirits or break 5 pieces of bread into a million… The greatest miracle (I think) that God performed was love. Love of the unlovable. It's unbelievably difficult for me to believe that Jesus died for people –the God I love died on the cross for the child molester/murderer sitting in jail right now.
Let's take for example the "man" who recently raped and murdered those little Amish girls and then killed himself. Personally I would say he was possessed by evil itself – what he did is not capable of a human being. My first instinct would be to damn him, hunt down his family and try to exact revenge somehow. You know what the Amish did? They called the man's family and expressed their condolences for the death of the "man". Hear that sound? That's my mind blowing.
But when I think about it, and add God to the equation – it makes sense. When a man is filled with evil he is capable of inhuman things – rape, murder, torture etc... but when he is filled with God he is capable of superhuman or divine things. To forgive is Godlike – not like mankind – so it is only the love god gives us that we can in turn give to others.
I work in a restaurant and am daily confronted with all sorts of people. Some of them are friendly, but most of them are civil at best. When these people come in I automatically shield myself from them and turn to stone. The people that treat me like shit get treated like shit right back – they want to be a pain in the ass – I become a bigger one… this is usually the rule I live by – kind of a "don't F with me attitude".
I am now coming to realize though that this is wrong. Yes, wrong. These are the people that God places in my path so that they can be loved. A lot of them need it – and I see that – yet I refuse. God tells us in Matt 22:39 to "love your neighbor as yourself" – but I have never really followed it. I always thought that it was enough to love my family and friends as myself (I guess I thought that was what he meant by "neighbors"). It's easy to love some people – impossible to love others. That is where God comes in.
I cannot love these people on my own. God knows this. His love for me has two purposes –
1.) So that I am loved
2.) So that the love he has placed in me can be shared with others.
Why then do I withhold the gift that god wanted me to give to others?
I get mad on the freeway when I see someone speeding or riding the shoulder. I think about cutting them off or honking – but then I think – what if they just got the call that their mother is in the hospital on her deathbed and the guy in the car hasn't spoken to her in ten years? Or the cold woman that comes into my restaurant and is rude from the start – maybe she just got the news that her daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and wont last 3 months. The truth is that I have no idea what is going on in their lives – and if they are not capable of feeling God's love within themselves – why would I shield it from them when I speak to them? That interaction may be the only time in that person's day where someone has the opportunity to love them – so how can I refuse?
I think that god places these people in our lives for a reason. Maybe they need his love and YOU are the one supposed to give it to them. Or maybe you need his love that day and they are the ones who are meant to give it to you.
Master Po (yes from Kung fu) has a good example from the nature that god created. God made all of nature – (allow me to bypass the whole creation evolution debate), so why not follow the example nature has set. He's talking about unlovable people – he say's "will the earth fall away when they step out the door? Will water turn to mud when they go to drink? Will the sun, while shining on everything else, refuse to shine on them?" Therefore we should be like the sun – and give the same warmth we give to our loved ones, to the unlovable.

Monday, October 16, 2006

God help me

I know what is right and I know what God wants me to do - why is it then so difficult to JUST DO IT!? I feel like I have lost the discipline I once possesed. I pray and I pray that God will show me his will- and then when he asks me to be a man of God I say "I would rather act like a selfish brat and do what I want". That is not the love I know my God deserves - so why do I withhold it from him when he witholds none from me?
I know I love God - I know it. But I also know there are other forces at work besides him. Satan for one is constantly putting stumbling blocks in my way and false "love" to distract me. Not to say that everything is satans fault, although my heart is good i often have to fight evil thoughts and desires from myself. I think Satan and this wolrd try to distract me because they are afraid. I dont mean that in the sense that I am more powerful than Satan is or in an egotistical sense - I mean it in the sense that if I truly become a Man of God - God could use me as a magnificent weapon against evil. I could lead others away from Satan, I could be an example others will follow away from the world - that is why Satan and the world try to tie us down.
These past several weeks have been nothing but struggle. I find myself doing things and acting in ways that I know are not the true me - and I know am doing it to "fit in" or whatever - well im tired of it. I want to follow God and I want to help others do the same. So you people who know me - HELP ME! I need people who will fight with me and who will guide me in the direction I need to go. I know God will help me and that every person I meet or conversation I hear can be used by God - so ill listen- and fight to do what I know is right.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

First thoughts

I used the think a lot. I would have certain activities throughout my day that would encourage and cultivate thought. I would drive to work or school without music, go running and simply let my thoughts run beside me... but the king of contemplation, the ruler of reflection, the navigator of notion has always been, for me, Rambling. My friend and I used to Ramble - but now that he's gone I have to Ramble to a journal. I used to have the discipline to do it several times a week- but over the course of the past year or so I have dwindled down to once a month (if i'm lucky). This lack of thought is one of the reasons responsible for my "fall".
There was a time when I knew who I was and what I was to do- or at least had a good idea of who I WANTED to be. God was a constant in my life and nearly every descision I made was given council by him before I made it. I am not so foolish as to believe that everything was at one time perfect and I was completely satisfied - but I do know that the only time I have ever felt true happiness was when I knew God and he knew me. And so the past year or two has been filled with selfish squanderings that have done nothing but pull me further away from God. So here I sit- feeling lonely, frustrated and less of a man than ever.
My sister Noelle told me that I should start a blog and that maybe it would help me to resurrect my love of thought. I am also hoping that any comments I recieve or blogs that I read will be one of the many ways God will communicate his will to me. But we'll see what happens. - Sean-Michael