Sunday, December 11, 2011

Waste of space

So it's been a while. I'm not sure if anyone still reads this thing. Especially after the opossums (I don't blame you). Maybe I was a little too excited about them... meh. To each his own. So I am now "educated" and am applying to medical schools. And though maybe I should feel accomplished, I do not. I feel a waste. I think it's just that feeling of knowing you could be better or have done better with everything. It's so rare when a person does their "best". Sure we try, but we almost never do the best we can do. We try to put in as much as "it" takes and no more. I think the difference between people is what the "it" is. For example the people in school right now. Some are there because the "it" they are striving for is a degree. C's get degrees - so they do enough to get C's. Others care less about the degree and instead have the "it" as being the top of their class. So they get A's. The human condition - get as much as possible for as little work as possible. I got mostly B's with a few A's scattered here and there. What does that make me? Obviously I wanted my degree so I had to get at least C's. But I obviously didn't care about being the best so I didn't always get A's. So What does that mean? I wanted to be above average? Lame. I really hope that's not the case. Problem is I don't know what my "it" is. Maybe I'm just giving a different name to what better thinkers than I have called our "purpose". I don't know why God put me here.... I suppose very few do. I know what I WANT to do - I want to be a doctor. I want to help people. I want to be a hero to somebody. But I don't know if that's what God wants for me, and that's kind of scary. What I do know is that whatever "it" is will be better than anything I could have come up with on my own. And while I hope I get to be a doctor, I know better than telling God I accept his will and then trying to go and do my own thing anyway. He doesn't like that. And it always ends up hurting in the end because I am selfish. We'll see. I hope he lets me know soon though - I don't like being a waste of space.